An Adventurer’s Guide to Floating

Note to reader: “I open at the close”, ie please ensure you read until the end.

Please remember all growth is felt through a descent into hell, that’s what the Shaman’s say, that’s the hero’s journey, that’s a butterfly’s. All things begin in darkness. Not the end, just initiation.

“My departure made my nerves sting

On Jet Lag

I’m past that(?)

Plainly none of this is that bad(?)

I caught a glimpse of your truth as you turned to me

I can be patient probably”

…

I’m spinning

I’m spinning worse than ever before

They took me

They stole me away from light

They brought me back to white walls

Squeaky wheels, Handlebars

Tiled floors and the relentless sounds

That made me wish I was dead

Or lobotomized or something, anything

So it could stop

Suicide is a desperation to escape

I have a desperation to live

To live despite pain

There has to be more than this

There has to be more

There has to be a way to live

I don’t want to die

I never did

But now

Now it’s the same

But lower

I don’t know where the bottom is

But I sank closer

I sank closer

I want to survive this

I want to feel less nauseous

But it hurts

And I keep crying

I keep singing

I keep singing and swaying

Singing and swaying and crying

My friends are around me 

They’re trying 

They helped me put away the reminders

But I’m so uncomfortable

It goes away for a minute but then it comes back

My exhausted nerves sting from

the memories, the betrayal

And they just keep coming

I look in the mirror

And I can’t smile

My eyes look different

I’m scared I’m not her anymore

I still like purple, right? 

I still like music? Songs still sound pretty?

Can I draw? Could I ever?

I’m scared it’s all changed

What if I never come back from spinning

I want someone to hold me

I want someone to tell me it’s steady

I want my family

But they did this

They did this to me 

And I don’t feel safe anymore

Everything is tainted

Everything hurts

Everything brings tears to my eyes

And I just want to breathe without burning

I’m so scared there’s no peace left

That it’s never coming 

I saw a star

I saw a star

They’re still there

Am I still here?

I found my car

They took it just before the rupture

I missed it by an hour

Or a few

Chaos Theory I hear you

I hear the buzzing in the air

Why did you do it?

Why did they do it?

Why couldn’t they listen?

Tell me how to forgive them

Tell me how to move on

She said it’s in my blood

But I feel like I slipped

I feel like I slipped down the stairs

And now I’m drowning 

I’m drowning and I’m so scared

Because no one can grab me

They can only sit with me while I drown

They can only sit with me while I drown

I had a dream they told me I couldn’t sing

That my voice was broken

It must be, right?

But I’m awake now

Sort of

I’m awake and I can make noise

I can sit still

I can keep sitting still

It all hurts 

It hurts so bad sometimes I cry out

Sometimes I scream

But I can sit still, can’t I?

I’m strong enough to stay still

When I was little I learned how to float

You have to stay still

You have to breathe

You have to let the water lift you

And if you trust it, it will

I think that’s real

I don’t know

Yes, no, yes I know that

I know that’s the best way to rest

That’s the best way to rest

Until you find the courage to swim again

Sing a little song while you wait

“I can be patient”

“I can be patient, probably”